what if?

last night, my mom told me about the little girl that was kidnapped 18 years ago, and was just found alive. that kind of got me thinking. wow, 18 years without your little girl. it just makes me worry sometimes that something like that could happen to addison.

when i went to bed, i couldn't fall asleep. so i laid in bed just thinking. i started to make myself worry about addison, myself and chris. i hate when i do that. i just bring thoughts in my head that haven't happened. and i most certainly don't want them to happen.


it seems like once i found out i was pregnant, i started to worry about a lot more things. i realized that i would have someone else to worry about, besides myself.

what if something happens to the baby?

what if something happens to me or chris?

i wasn't as worried about myself as much as i was worried about the baby. but i did still think about things that could happen to me. things that i couldn't really control. like being in a wreck. i really worried about the baby. i was scared i would have a miscarriage. i didn't know what i would do if that happened. once i made it to the 2nd trimester, i didn't worry. that trimester was pretty easy. i didn't really worry about the baby. i was more worried about getting everything ready for the arrival. having the nursery ready, all that fun stuff. but once i was in the 3rd trimester, i started to worry again. i had already made it so far, what if something happened to her now.

and then i had addison. all of that worry went away. but then those same 'what ifs' came back to my head. something could still happen to me, or to addison. i then starting feeling like i had even less control. when i was still pregnant, i could protect her more. she was in me. but now that she's here, i feel like i have less control.

then, i stuck my head in a book and freaked myself out. i read about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). that really freaked me out. i kept reading about it, and one night, i just started to cry. i didn't know what i could do to prevent it. it really scared me. i don't think about it as much as i used to, but it still comes to my mind sometimes. now that addison is older, she is at a lower risk, so that makes me feel better.

i think a lot of my worry is all in my head. i seem to make it a bigger deal than it should be. i read stories in the news about children being kidnapped, and it just scares me. i've always been a little paranoid. it's not an all the time paranoia, but it's just random. i'll think about one bad thing happening, and then it just turns into a lot. and i freak myself out. it's mainly with safety, like locking the doors in the house. that's the BIG one. and poor chris. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and want to check the doors. and i make him come with me. but that happens close to never. and i'm lucky that he doesn't mind.

i've been trying to live without as many worries. it works most of the time, but there are just those days that i seem to find things to worry about. having addison keeps me busy, so i have less time to just sit and worry (and usually make it a big deal in my head, when it really isn't a big deal at all). i know some of this worry will never go away. but i'm ok with that.

broken bone

so, i kind of held back a little bit on yesterday's blog. it was getting pretty long, and i was getting pretty tired. so i decided to put this part off until today.

let me just start by saying, sometimes things just happen. i'm trying not to blame myself, but it's really hard not to. and i just have to keep telling myself that.

saturday, addison rolled off our bed while i had my back turned. she cried (obviously), but she calmed down after a little while. chris and i thought about taking her to the hospital, but she seemed to be ok. so we decided to let her sleep and see how she was in the morning. she slept fine, and when she woke up she acted like she normally does. the only thing was that she wouldn't put any weight on her left leg. chris and i both tried to get her to, but she would just cry when we tried. so, my mom came over and looked at it. we had all moved it around, poked at it, and she didn't care at all. we decided to give it one more night and i would call the doctor first thing monday morning and make an appointment to get it checked out.

so, early monday morning we went to the doctor. he looked at her leg and she didn't care what he was doing. she was cool with it. didn't cry or anything. he wanted to get some x-rays, so we went over to the hospital and got that done. when we finally got back to the doctor's office (for the 3rd time) they told us that addison's leg was broken. of course, i took it pretty hard.
we were able to go get addison a cast that afternoon. the doctor was an hour behind schedule (which isn't something you want to hear when you have an 8 month old, especially one with a broken leg). luckily, the doctor was really nice and helpful. on a side note, i've never had a broken bone, so i didn't know what to expect. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, and addison just sat there and stared at the doctor while he wrapped up her leg.

so addison now has a pink helmet and a yellow cast. the doc said she would probably have to wear the cast for 4 weeks, but we'll see at her appointment. as for now, i have a child that looks like she's being thrown around. but i promise you, she is not. i'm just trying to prepare myself for the looks i will receive when we go out in public.

hoping for a fast and easy healing!

catching up

first off, i haven't done this in FOREVER. i know, i'm a slacker. i really haven't been doing much of anything. just not this, obviously.

this is addison before her big adventure.....

anyways, a lot has gone on since the last time i blogged. at addison's 6 month well visit, her doctor addressed the flat spot on the back of her head. we knew it was there, just not that there could be much of a problem with it. so, her doc sent us to have a CT scan of her head to make sure the flat spot isn't affecting her brain or the growth of her head. luckily, there was nothing wrong with her brain or head. but we still had to go to a specialist about possibly getting a helmet.

so, i'm a young mom and i'm very hopeful with things. i told myself "no, my baby won't have to get a helmet. she'll be fine. no need to worry". well, i guess i was wrong. when we got to dr. kelly's office, there were atleast 4 babies with helmets. i had never seen one in person before, but they didn't look so bad. one couple that was there with a baby girl in a helmet shared their story with me. it was very comforting to hear it from someone else, going through the same thing. she actually told me she thought her daughter wouldn't have to get one (like me). but she did get one. she told me everything that would happen, all the things we would have to go through. i'm so lucky i got to talk to her.

dr. kelly told us that she didn't NEED a helmet, but that he suggested it. now came the part when chris (baby daddy, boyfriend, call him what you like) didn't see eye to eye. he thought our cute little baby girl didn't need a helmet. but i did. i don't want my child to grow up with a misshapen head and i would know deep down that i could've done something about it. so, we agreed to get to get the helmet.

yada yada yada....now she has a helmet. and let me just say, i have the best baby girl ever. she can handle anything and everything. i was more upset than her. it really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, but as i said, addison did great. so we're going on 3 1/2 weeks with the helmet. and she could care less. if anyone else is going through this (having a baby with a helmet) or may have to go through this, please...PLEASE feel free to ask me anything. i will try to help as much as i can. there really isn't much information about infant helmets, so it's hard to know what to expect.

this is addison with her helmet......