Friday, August 28, 2009

what if?

last night, my mom told me about the little girl that was kidnapped 18 years ago, and was just found alive. that kind of got me thinking. wow, 18 years without your little girl. it just makes me worry sometimes that something like that could happen to addison.

when i went to bed, i couldn't fall asleep. so i laid in bed just thinking. i started to make myself worry about addison, myself and chris. i hate when i do that. i just bring thoughts in my head that haven't happened. and i most certainly don't want them to happen.

it seems like once i found out i was pregnant, i started to worry about a lot more things. i realized that i would have someone else to worry about, besides myself.

what if something happens to the baby?

what if something happens to me or chris?

i wasn't as worried about myself as much as i was worried about the baby. but i did still think about things that could happen to me. things that i couldn't really control. like being in a wreck. i really worried about the baby. i was scared i would have a miscarriage. i didn't know what i would do if that happened. once i made it to the 2nd trimester, i didn't worry. that trimester was pretty easy. i didn't really worry about the baby. i was more worried about getting everything ready for the arrival. having the nursery ready, all that fun stuff. but once i was in the 3rd trimester, i started to worry again. i had already made it so far, what if something happened to her now.

and then i had addison. all of that worry went away. but then those same 'what ifs' came back to my head. something could still happen to me, or to addison. i then starting feeling like i had even less control. when i was still pregnant, i could protect her more. she was in me. but now that she's here, i feel like i have less control.

then, i stuck my head in a book and freaked myself out. i read about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). that really freaked me out. i kept reading about it, and one night, i just started to cry. i didn't know what i could do to prevent it. it really scared me. i don't think about it as much as i used to, but it still comes to my mind sometimes. now that addison is older, she is at a lower risk, so that makes me feel better.

i think a lot of my worry is all in my head. i seem to make it a bigger deal than it should be. i read stories in the news about children being kidnapped, and it just scares me. i've always been a little paranoid. it's not an all the time paranoia, but it's just random. i'll think about one bad thing happening, and then it just turns into a lot. and i freak myself out. it's mainly with safety, like locking the doors in the house. that's the BIG one. and poor chris. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and want to check the doors. and i make him come with me. but that happens close to never. and i'm lucky that he doesn't mind.

i've been trying to live without as many worries. it works most of the time, but there are just those days that i seem to find things to worry about. having addison keeps me busy, so i have less time to just sit and worry (and usually make it a big deal in my head, when it really isn't a big deal at all). i know some of this worry will never go away. but i'm ok with that.